7 Dumbest Weapons Ever Made In History (Humor)

As long as the records show, humans have been constantly at work in designing bigger better weapons to kill each other with. In some cases, the resultant creations had been utterly ridiculous.  In this article, we look at 7 of the dumbest weapons ever made in history an- kpogfsif inbgigiokfilegwb b HELPbjiosjbov… Knock Knock! Who’s there? NOT THE STUPID WRITER!  If something goes BOOM, BAM, or BOTH it ain’t DUMB. BASIC LOGIC 101.

LET US START!!

 

7. Monitor Novgorod

Dumbest Weapons Ever Made In History

Once upon a time, a Russian Rear Admiral came up with the most inconceivable idea conceivable and gave life to demonic water Frisbee of DEATH AND DOOM.  The Monitor Novgorod was an ironclad ship armed with TWO 26 TONS 20-CALIBRE guns that could fire 490-pound shells at speeds of BREAKING THE FRICKIN SOUND BARRIER. Haters will point to its low fire rate of 1 round per 10 min but who needs good fire rate when you can get GOOD EXPLOSIONS! What’s more, by 1892, her armament was augmented by two quick-firing REVOLVING CANNONS, raising it from level BADASS to level BADASSER. Unfortunately, no engine was worthy enough to power its mighty hull, leaving it slow as a sloth with minimal range. INJUSTICE!

Book: Imperial Russian Navy 1890s-1916

6. The Bob Semple Tank

Dumbest Weapons Ever Made In History

When Imperial Japan was curb stomping the British in the East Indies, the brave little colony of New Zealand decided to take matter into its own hands and protect its borders from the evil Japs. Using a picture of a Tank on an American postcard for guidance, the Kiwis came up with the Bob Semple Tank a.k.a we don’t give FUDGE. The Kiwi superweapon was a METAL BOX fitted with MACHINE GUNS bolted on to a MOTORTRUCKING TRACTOR. Amenities included a FRICKIN MATTRESS. Unfortunately, for the wimps at the Army, the Tank was just too badass for them to handle and they rejected the Best Sexy Tank for use in their forces. SUCKS FOR THEM!

5. The Nazi WindKanone

Dumbest Weapons Ever Made In History

This was a weapon that the Allies did Nazi coming. Measuring 35ft of pure steel and love for the Fatherland, the WindKanone was an artillery piece that ran on compressed air and gave out unholy puffs of ASS DESTRUCTION. It could make 2.5cm thick wood boards its BIRCH from 656ft away, that’s 626ft more than your WEAK ASS CAN THROW. Pitifully, the Allied units, both on air and land, were not man enough to stay still while the cannon fired, rendering it ineffective on the battlefield. Plus its badass size made it an easy target for allied bombing. THIS IS SAD!

DVD: Nazi Mega Weapons: German Engineering in WW2

4. Puke Ray

Dumbest Weapons Ever Made In History

Also known as the LED Incapacitator, this phew-spew ray gun fires colorful flashes of light to give you a headache and disorientation so bad you start vomiting mom’s spaghetti and that too from A BLOCK AWAY. Developed by the US military at a cost of $800,000, this bad boy is still not in the market as it is found to be too impractical for boring real-life situations. HORRIBLE!

3. Duck Foot pistol

Dumbest Weapons Ever Made In History

Why compromise on one when you can kill FOUR DUCKERS with one. The Duck Foot pistol had four spread out barrels to give its user four times the fun in shooting people in the face. While it meant a severe loss in accura – ACCURACY IS OVERRATED.

Fun Fact: It was called a Duck Foot pistol because it was a pistol that looked like a duck’s foot. KNOWLEDGE!

2. Cultivator No. 6

Dumbest Weapons Ever Made In History

1939 was a dark year for the world. Not because Germany and Russia were busy devouring Poland, not because WW2 had started but because there were no EXPLOSIONS. Known as the Phony War, it saw little actual fighting on the Western Front. But our guy Churchill was having none of it. He wanted to take the war to the enemy and told the war office to construct a machine that would dig its way through the infamous Siegfried Line. The result, a 130 TON WHALE-SIZED MEAN MACHINE that dug its way through the battlefield. It did literally nothing else but man, it looked AWESOME. Following the short German blitzkrieg through France in 1940, the British remembered this isn’t WW1 and changed their doctrine to a more mobile one, leaving the Cultivator No. 6 to bite the dust. UNFORTUNATE!

1. Nuka Launcher

Dumbest Weapons Ever Made In History

M65 Davy Crockett was recoilless gun designed for the infantry that shot NUCLEAR WARHEADS. It only had a range of 1.7-2.5 miles and was extremely inaccurate, being dangerous to both the enemy as well as its wielder, making it the MOST AMERICAN WEAPON IN HISTORY. The weapon system also had no safety feature; once the warhead was fired, it could not be aborted. BUT WHO THE FUDGE CARES! EXPOLOSIONS!

 

Abdur Rafay Usmani

Abdur Rafay is one crazy son of a gun with a penchant for writing. Follow him on Twitter @KippieHippie

Leave a Reply